I have INTERNET!!!!

This is a picture of the carnival in Jacmel that I didn't make it down for. Yep, I know - why the hell am I even bothering to put it on my blog. My answer is to whet my appetite for THE carnival next week - a five day affair over a weekend and, count them people... THREE public holidays. Can you imagine Britain annoucing public holidays for a huge party? Thinking about it, that fact just about probably sums up the difference between Old Blighty and the Caribbean... Judging by the loud party music that been blaring out every night over the last couple of weeks, the whole country is building up to one massive hangover on the 7th February. [And before I get irate emails, yes I know that carnival in Haiti is a lot more than a huge party and has a great deal of spiritual, religious and cultural overtones to it. But still, can't deny that a lot of fun is also being had...]

Work is pretty stressful at the moment as we're submitting both the quarterly report to Dublin AND year end stuff. God knows what I would have done sans Jack... As things are, I'm hardly helping matters with my incessant questions but Jack's been much more patient than I would have been in his position. It sounds strange but I'm looking forward to carnival more for the quiet time in the office with Jack to really thoroughly go through stuff. Will, however, make it for the first and last days so expect plenty of pics.

My great news for the day is that I now have internet connection at home!! OK, it's crappy and expensive - there are few land lines here so it's all via satallite but it works: just don't expect to hear from me much during the hurrican season... One of the first things I did was chat via skype to my cousin and his parents who have just arrived in London to take up residence in my room for 6 months (my cousin, not his parents). I even managed to see them on webcam! Have to say that I felt incredibly emotional seeing them and just realising how much I missed my family. It's crazy as it's only been a month since I 'd seen them but distance yadda yadda yadda. Or maybe it was the glimpse of my beloved room that I saw...

26th Jan - Retail therapy

Photo of the day: half of my living room plus balcony. Currently planning on getting (what else?) a large rug and shifting quite a bit of furniture around. Poor Jack - only been here a week and already planning renovations...

Talking about mood swings, I’m in an absolutely fantastic mood today. Happy to say, though, that this is mostly due to a day’s retail therapy rather than any incipient borderline personality disorder (I hope). Whoever said that consumerism is just empty gratification is obviously a) a guy, and b) has never shopped.

Reserved Lidaniel, one of our drivers, to take me to this huge supermarket where he made the fatal mistake of offering to come along with me to do my shopping. Poor deluded guy. I basically made him visit all 178 aisles at least three times while I piled more and more stuff into the trolley. It was great. They even had sesame oil and soy sauce and my favourite brand of shampoo! So much for me lugging huge amounts of toiletries with me in the belief that I wouldn’t be able to find them here...

Although I love Jack to bits for staying on for a month’s handover, when it comes to making his flat homely, he is a self-confessed barbarian. After more than two years’ living here, there is nothing even remotely personal about the flat: it looks and feels like something out of an estate agent’s catalogue. And the kitchen is worse. Those of you who know me will probably be laughing at this but even I couldn’t believe the lack of basic provisions in the place – I mean, the fridge, the cabinets, the work surfaces were almost empty. OK, so I ended up spending nearly $200 to fill it up but it was so worth it. Well, at least until my visa card bill comes in. I have a wok and a stove kettle, so life is worth living again.

Also spent a bit of time generally walking around central Petionville (an upmarket suburb of Port-au-Prince where I both live and work). Got a tiny bit of hassle but nothing on West African standards. Again, the beauty of the place kept striking me: the verdant mountains, gorgeous blue skies, French colonial architecture, the deep and vibrant colours of the houses and their overflowing bushes dotted with lovely pink flowers. And the abundance of restaurants, shops, street art and wonderful strolling/meandering opportunities just made me incredibly happy to be here. Although I don’t yet feel at home, I feel like I soon could be – and that’s about as good as it gets after just a week. I mean, it took me a couple of months to feel the same way about Beirut.

On my meanderings, I chatted to this painter who introduced himself as M. Liquidation (“2 for the price of 1”) where he, eventually and in very good English, bemoaned the lack of tourists. When I asked about selling his stuff in the Dominican Republic, he told me that it was possible but that it was extremely expensive for Haitians to get across the border, not to mention the unofficial bribery and bullying that apparently goes on. Food for thought there. I did promise to come back and buy one of his paintings and will probably do so, although I might need to own up to my fictional husband and my real name...

The rest of my colleagues have gone off for the weekend to Jacmel (a city in the south of Haiti) to celebrate carnival there and Jack has been feeling poorly - the result being that today’s been a guilt-free day completely for myself. I was going to go to Jacmel with the crew but so glad I didn’t – I really needed some time to adjust to being here, get a bit more settled and to simply get my equilibrium back. Not to mention my new DVD player and home internet connection (from Monday/Tuesday, insh’allah). And besides, the real carnival is in a week’s time so I won’t be missing out too much.

Workwise, things are looking up. I’ve met a few colleagues whom I think I could really get along with. I also had a four hour meeting with the Assistant Country Director for Systems on Friday, a guy whom I was rather intimidated by/resentful of earlier in the week, and discovered that he’s a pretty good guy (if a bit “me me me”, but then he is Dutch), and that we actually agree on a lot of things. I get the feeling that he probably had a similarly negative first impression of me, so our long “chat” really cleared the air. Still, it confirmed my suspicions that any necessary changes (and there are quite a few, IMO) to the organisation is going to be both slow and frustrating, with a management who are perhaps rather set in their ways and rather too programme-focused. Although he assured me of his full support as another systems person, I’m still unsure of whether he’s the sort that says one thing in private and another thing in front of the Country Management Team. Well, we shall see...

Also, I’m hoping to catch up on my reading and figuring out of how the accounts work tomorrow. I think I need some time alone in the office to just get my bearings and be more proactive about what I want of my handover/induction.

I feel good - I knew that I would! (sort of)

Beginning of my second day here and am typing this while watching the sun rise over the most spectacular view of verdant mountains and the sea. Feeling a lot better and actually optimistic about the day ahead. This is the view from my balcony at 5.30am. Eat your hearts out, suckers:

In terms of living, as you can see, I basically lucked out majorly. I’m currently sharing the flat with the outgoing Country Accountant, a Kenyan called Jack, who had agreed to stay for another month to deal with reporting and year end. Not to mention handover... I know, I’m extremely lucky. The team, from what I’ve seen of them, seem fine – no obvious sociopathic tendencies – and people have basically been friendly and welcoming.

However, when I got home last evening, and while Jack was off at the gym, I was curled up on my bed feeling miserable and very very alone. I’d had a headache all day and found it more difficult than usual to focus and project the crucial positive first impression. I was also feeling so completely out of my depth and hadn’t really found anyone to connect with. But then I forced myself to start unpacking and once I got all my stuff out (including my stuffed toy Totoros – goodness knows what the cleaner thought of them), I felt a huge lot better. With all my familiar stuff around me, I felt more in control and more grounded – more able to cope. And after a great Chinese meal out with Jack where we discussed what to do today and some other issues, I felt even just a mite optimistic.

And people think pregnant women have mood swings...

20th Jan - I hate Miami

OK, so I had less than 24 hours here – all of which was spent either asleep or at the Dolphin Mall or at Miami International Airport (or “Hell” as I like to call it). But, even so, from what little I’ve seen of the place, I hate it. The whole place feels like a Latino LA (even more so – absolutely no one seems to speak English) with all the highways and concrete consumerism of that place without the benefit of The Body Beautiful. Why anyone would want to live here, I have no idea. And the taxi driver, in a mistaken attempt to talk up his city, went on and on about Miami as basically a huge resort city where all anyone ever does is party and go to the beach. Certainly, there looks like nothing better to do...

Think I’ll be doing my shopping trips in NY...

19th Jan - Enroute to Miami, (not so) Nice...

I’m currently writing this on the plane – 3 hrs into what looks like a 10 hr journey. Definitely looking forward to a day in Miami, though chances are that I’ll be so exhausted that I’d probably stay in my hotel and watch crap American TV and sleep. Actually, that’s looking pretty good...

As predicted, got no sleep last night after getting back from my second week’s induction. Due to a BA plane crash landing into the runway, all the flights from Dublin to London were delayed. Me, being the selfish person I am, thought immediately how the delays would cut into my final packing/panicking stage instead of feeling for the passengers and crew who were involved (I’m such a lovely person). Luckily, the airline booked me onto an earlier flight which basically left the same time my original flight was due to leave – although that meant I spent the whole flight worrying that my baggage would be sent on the wrong flight and making bargains with Him Upstairs. This is what it takes to bring out the spiritual in me. Needless to say, I haven’t been keeping my side of the bargain but hoping that, if He actually exists, He does his job and forgives me.

This always always happens to me: it’s always the last minute. I literally stopped repacking between suitcases an hour before the taxi was due to arrive. I managed to get everything I needed done but Van is going to get a rather filthy room. What’s more important (sorry Van), is that I never have time to really say goodbye to my home and my area. I mean, this is probably going to be the last I’ll see of my home for a year, and to think that the last sight I have of it is a hurried check to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything while the taxi waits downstairs. There was a definite lump in my throat when the taxi was pulling away – if I was less tired, there really would have been tears.

At this point in time, I’m actually dreading getting to Haiti – I really am. It’s been such a hectic few weeks with getting ready to leave and packing that I feel like I need a holiday to really recover and get my perspective back. The last 2 weeks, especially, have been such a mad rush that it hasn’t really hit me. And that really worries me – I mean, if I’m not excited about the new job at the very beginning, that really doesn’t bode well for the future. Also, as a complete introvert, I’m dreading the whole initial social round where I have to spend any leisure time I have going out with people and making a good impression – especially as they all look like complete party animals. I can do it for short periods of time but I just find it so draining... Note to self: next time, I will insist on a couple days vacation before starting work – preferably someplace where I don’t have to talk to anyone.

As for the induction, it was like most inductions: not particularly useful except for meeting people and getting an idea of who to contact when necessary. It was pretty light so managed to almost finish my tax return and sort out various other admin type things. There was one session that really stood out, though – it was the one on stress management. Truth to tell, I was rather sceptical about it but it was really helpful. Actually convinced me to go get a yoga DVD and do breathing/stretching exercises. However, had the same thought about bellydancing before going off to Lebanon and we know how that turned out…

Another good upside to the induction this week was meeting the other inductees. In terms of overseas staff, not one of us were actually white – in fact, I was the only one from a developed country. I really like that – the sort of third world to third world linkages that you get. Despite being in this job, maybe even because of it, it’s so easy to stereotype and to pre-judge – you find yourself doing it all the time.

Feeling a bit better now, so maybe after a good night’s sleep and a bit of a movie/shopping therapy tonight, I’ll feel different and a lot more energized. Here’s to the consumerism that made America great!

Four days to go...

Haven't been blogging recently as it's been rather manic. Basically got absolutely no sleep over the weekend as spent most of it frantically packing. I'm now taking 75kg and 3 bags if that gives you any indication of how terrible I am at packing. Anyway, will only have about 6 hrs Friday night/Saturday morning to shift stuff between bags and do some last minute panicking/tidy up before my flight. Will be 6 hrs from hell - definitely not looking forward to it. It'll almost be a relief to get on the plane as that would be it. Finis. The End.

The bright spot of my weekend, though, was having a fantastic pub lunch with a couple of friends. It was obviously great to see my friends but have to admit (sorry Emma, Sarah) that the actual highlight of the lunch was the sticky toffee pudding. Nothing against my friends (both of whom I've known for 16 years and would cheerfully walk through a burning building for) but simply put, they got nothing on this:

Aside from indulging in culinary heaven, also took time out to grab some last photos of my local haunts:

Have been getting really nostalgic and teary about London over the last few weeks. I remember when I was working there, I found it all (the commuting , the pubs, the tube, the weather, the traffic, the complete London-centric self-absorbtion) so so depressing and couldn't wait to leave. Now, it's endearing and comfortably familiar. I grew up here, have friends here, I know all the places to go, I know the rules, I love the complete anonymity of it - I am, afterall, a Londoner born and bred. Kept thinking what the hell I was thinking to leave it all and gho off to a place where I know no one, have no ties, don't speak the language, don't understand the politics/social life, and will always always be a stranger. God, I must be out of my mind...

However, if I stayed in London, can't see my rose spectacles lasting the winter.

On a more cheerful note, the general induction this week is very light with people just basically talking at us with very little demanded from us. Have, however, misplaced my notes from last week somewhere which is rather worrying...

Feeling slightly better about donor allocations...

This is mostly due to viewing the following pics of my place of abode for the next two years:

Aid work is such a hard hard life...

Getting frustrated with donor allocations...

Currently writing this over a lunch break after a particularly frustrating morning struggling with the intricacies of how my NGO splits costs between donors. That's one of the very few things where I think the first NGO I worked for actually scores higher in that there's just so much more control when it's done off-ledger on excel templates. I don't trust databases to do what I what them to - they're just not as flexible and, more importantly, I can't change the colours to nice soft pastels...

In other news, planning my packing is going nowhere very fast. I've whittled the number of books I want to take with me to just under 100. Yes, that's not a typo - I am that crap. My aim is to get it to about 50 which is what I can almost justify taking with me. Thank God for ebooks - not sure what I would have done without my growing supply of virtual reading. And I've just splurged over €100 on a new pair of work shoes. They're an investment. Definitely. Sticking to that story.

As to how I'm feeling about Haiti at the mo - not sure. There's a lot of issues in the office, mostly the usual stuff from the sounds of things in terms of things not being run as tight financially as they should be, and lots of small admin-heavy projects which will be a complete arse to sort out. However, the team there appears functional and the problems seem fixable so I guess it's a pretty good assignment all things considered, if most likely to be very very busy. I guess I've been spoilt by the laziness that marked most of this year - need to get back into the groove of long working hours and that peculiar mix of frustration and adrenaline that gets you up in the mornings.

Also a bit worried as I've been incredibly lazy over the last few evenings - not doing half the things I planned. That's obviously going to change tonight. P85, lease contracts, writing out notes, finishing my plan for the last stage of packing. Yep, that's all happening tonight. See if I can fit in a showing of "I am Legend" at some point. Or "The Kite Runner".

Anyway, to keep me motivated, this is where I plan to work:

All they need to do is set up a generator, a satallite dish, a small bookcase for files and a lounge chair. Picture me in a bikini with my laptop and a cocktail glass (with one of those little umbrellas in it) in one hand. And maybe a little boy to fan me when it gets too hot.

And this is where I'll be hanging during the hurricane season:

Apparently finance is just at the front of the office so we get the lovely view...

It's official: I'm an anarchist...

Instead of doing any of the things on my "to do" list for this evening, I've been surfing the internet and my usual blogs. Wasn't a complete waste as I unearthed this little gem of a survey:

http://www.politicalcompass.org/index

Much to my non-surprise, found out that I was a libertarian socialist - fairly extreme on both fronts - and apparently should be living in an anarchist commune someplace. But then, I was in the same quartet with Gandhi, the Dalai Lama and Nelson Mandela so hurry for anarchy!!

Right. Need to go to bed.

Haiti? Hell, yeah...

After a bit of a wobble yesterday (well, last few weeks actually) - feeling a whole lot better today after my first day's training. OK, there are a huge number of issues in the Haiti mission but none of them unsolvable. And in some perverse way, it kind of makes me feel less overwhelmed by it all: I mean, if the place was run completely perfectly with completely perfect people in their completely perfect little world, you'd have found me curled up round my pillow wimpering "what am I doing here, I don't belong here, I'm a creep, I'm a wino..."
I obviously can't function around functional people.

Also got a first phonecall from Inland Revenue after almost two weeks of chasing. Fucking lazy layabouts: all they're bloody good for is stiffing you up and losing confidential databases in the post: when it comes to actually helping members of the public pay them money, that's obvioulsy far too much to ask.

On that note, here's today's gratuitous photo. This is what I want waiting for me in my hotel room after a hard day's work:

There's just something about that bit of skin just above the opening of Richard Amitage's shirt that's difficult to look away from. And his eyes...

Ahem. Excuse me for a moment.

Ready or not, here I come...

In just under 12 hours, I'll be offically starting my new job after 2 months of blissful unemployment. And, to be perfectly honest, I don't feel at all ready for it.

Part of it is my usual crapness at getting stuff done - from personal admin to packing to researching Haiti. Got a fair amount of stuff done but I'm nowhere near where I should be at this point - especially on the last point. Haiti just doesn't seem real to me. This new job just doesn't seem real to me.

It feels like a shameful admission but I'm not actually feeling all that excited to be going - more resigned to it to be brutally honest. I'm hoping it'll be like Mali where if it weren't for inertia in the face of my months-long preparations for the trip and my long gestating plan for Life, I probably would have cancelled and then missed out on my of the best times of my life. I think you need to have the time and energy to spend anticipating just before you go, and I haven't really had much of either to spare over the last few weeks. Of course, if I'd actually been organised and got my shit together earlier on... But that's another story.

Another part of my cold feet symptoms is just the fear that I'll be completely shit at my job: that I'll be this ridiculous little girl who's not fooling anyway with her pretensions to competence. It's easy enough to say that this is a perfectly normal reaction to starting any new job, but this job is a lot more responsibility than I've come close to having before. And I'm so fucking scared of screwing this up and being exposed as a complete and utter fraud.

Jesus, fuck - this is pathetic. I'm now where I've always wanted to be since I can remember. I have the unheard of luxury of doing what I want to do with my life - of doing something other than the mere survival that occupies the vast majority of people in the world. I have been given a huge number of choices in my life, and this is a choice that I made. I despise people who whine about the choices they made in life and now I'm getting far too near that for comfort.

Right, in the interests of preserving some self-respect for myself, here's a photo from Severe in Mali which always makes me smile... There's something about that slogan which seems to epitomise both optimism and strength.

Yeah - I know it'll work out somehow. I've fucked up before and survived the experience. I may not be the best out there in my field, but I can do the job. I can. Insha'allah...

Right, back to my self-help management books. Virtues of power dressing - hmmmmnn.

Deje mon, gin mon...

Relaunching my blog prior to my imminent departure to Dublin, then Haiti. Imminent in the sense that I have just under 4 days left to prepare (ie pack, throw stuff out, sort out admin, file taxes...) and have obviously decided that my blog, which has languished unlamented for the best part of 6 months, required an immediate facelift.

New Year's resolution 1: Stop procrasinating and start with the tasks that you hate in both your personal and professional lives.

New Year's resolution 2: Make a success of the blogging thing because that's what people (and the tax authorities) care about. Blog small but blog often.

Hmmmmnnn.

Anyway, to put myself more in the mood, here's a cute pic of a cute Haitian. Not in that way, you sick bastards...

BTW, the title is a Haitian proverb: "Beyond mountains, there are more mountains" ie solve one problem, and another comes along. Kind of what I'm feeling at the mo.

Right, need to take a crack at that "to do" list. Only 12 hours behind.