Part of it is my usual crapness at getting stuff done - from personal admin to packing to researching Haiti. Got a fair amount of stuff done but I'm nowhere near where I should be at this point - especially on the last point. Haiti just doesn't seem real to me. This new job just doesn't seem real to me.
It feels like a shameful admission but I'm not actually feeling all that excited to be going - more resigned to it to be brutally honest. I'm hoping it'll be like Mali where if it weren't for inertia in the face of my months-long preparations for the trip and my long gestating plan for Life, I probably would have cancelled and then missed out on my of the best times of my life. I think you need to have the time and energy to spend anticipating just before you go, and I haven't really had much of either to spare over the last few weeks. Of course, if I'd actually been organised and got my shit together earlier on... But that's another story.
Another part of my cold feet symptoms is just the fear that I'll be completely shit at my job: that I'll be this ridiculous little girl who's not fooling anyway with her pretensions to competence. It's easy enough to say that this is a perfectly normal reaction to starting any new job, but this job is a lot more responsibility than I've come close to having before. And I'm so fucking scared of screwing this up and being exposed as a complete and utter fraud.
Jesus, fuck - this is pathetic. I'm now where I've always wanted to be since I can remember. I have the unheard of luxury of doing what I want to do with my life - of doing something other than the mere survival that occupies the vast majority of people in the world. I have been given a huge number of choices in my life, and this is a choice that I made. I despise people who whine about the choices they made in life and now I'm getting far too near that for comfort.
Right, in the interests of preserving some self-respect for myself, here's a photo from Severe in Mali which always makes me smile... There's something about that slogan which seems to epitomise both optimism and strength.
Yeah - I know it'll work out somehow. I've fucked up before and survived the experience. I may not be the best out there in my field, but I can do the job. I can. Insha'allah...
Right, back to my self-help management books. Virtues of power dressing - hmmmmnn.
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